12.Sep.2011 Kicking and Screaming into my 30
I survived my 30th birthday several days ago without too much agony. Phew.
I hate birthdays (and I mean mine!). There’s so much pressure to be happy and social and get confirmations of love from people around you. And often the birthdays fall on work days, people ask whether you’d do anything special so you feel like you really have to even though you may not feel to do anything after a long day at work. On top of that you get older another year, forcing you to think whether you have used your years on earth in the best way possible. The clock is ticking, you get less time and more things to do in life.
In other words, birthday is exhausting! So exhausting that I often get sick on my birthdays (oh heat of the pressure!). And worse than the rest of my other birthdays, this year I hit the big 30. I have spent almost the entire year of my last 2, thinking that this is it, this is the last twenties. Have I done everything I wanted to do before I turn 30? Where is my checklist? What do I need to prepare to be 30 and beyond?
Actually I’m not sure why I even write this post. Half of me really just wanted to close my eyes hoping the day goes by quickly and to emerge on the other side of the decade totally indifferent and unscathed. But the other half of me want to acknowledge that yes no matter how you think about it, it is a pretty big milestone (though completely arbitrary in the big scheme of things), so a bit of reflection is called for. I mean, really, 30 is a big deal. You jump to a different age bracket! Even visa and residency rules are getting harder when you turn three-zero (important for me who is citizen of the world).
Going back to the checklist. Honestly, it wasn’t carved on stone. In fact it was never written on paper. I’m guessing everybody has this mental list about things they want to do before they reach certain age. Some you manage to do some you don’t, and I guess the part of growing up is to accept that life is what happens when you’re planning to do something else. Looking back I do tick all the major points that I want to do by the time I’m 30, some I never thought I could do but happened anyway (love the surprises of life!). I have lived in 7 different cities in 4 different continents, married my high school sweetheart, taken a mortgage, done a month of backpacking trip, credited for 3 video games and 1 animated movie, published a piece in a magazine, and gone for lots and lots of traveling and road trips. Sure I have not jumped out of a plane or been to Japan, but they’re easily achievable within a year or two. I have not had a dog (not since I was a kid)–that’s probably one of the hardest to achieve with my nomaden style of living. Some things I thought I wanted to do, I no longer do. That’s the great thing about the list. It’s fluid and it’s changing all the time as the wheel of life goes on.
But if I was to learn anything in my 30 years of living, it’s that friendship and relationship is the hardest of them all. Probably especially for me who in the past 13 years never stays in one place longer than 3 years continuously. Despite my (sometimes their) best effort to keep in touch, physical distance does make a big difference. Friendships fade away. If I used to believe that the best of friends would always be there for you though you may not hold hands all the time, I learned it the hard way that it’s not true. That you do need to hold hands, keep in touch, nourish the friendship, and if you don’t the day you need them the most you’ll turn back and find they’re no longer there. So yes as you can tell, though I make new friends every time I go to a new place, I lose friends too. I lost a couple of important ones for reasons I cannot fathom. I don’t regret it as such because I guess part of growing up is to accept that people do grow in different directions and to let things go. If anything it does make me appreciate those who do stay and those who might come into my life in the future.
Here’s to another decade of life and surprises!
No I didn’t get sick this year. And had a lovely day too :). Like I said, I survived!
mee